So in my travels about Uptown minneapolis & beyond I have encountered quite a few different things than I expected in the real world, and experienced some emotions that I have never felt/know I was able to feel. In these moments, I am struck by the vulnerabilty that I inevitably feel. I'd like to call these little moments of a paticular lucidity a 'fit of humanity'. I've noticed also that these little 'fits' seem to occur most prominently when drunk, tired or hungover, but they are most pure and wonderful when they occur in a quiet moment of contemplation; that moment when I can finally stop worring about the next paycheck and the debacle at my alma mater and the forever derailing train that seems to be my chaotic existance and my bruised knuckles and so on..(Not all of these are true or even really relevant and I'll leave it to those who know me to sort through the mess). Actually, none of it matters because the point at hand is the moment when all of the external trappings of life fall away and you are left with the truth, and I have found in these moments that the answers that we become aware of are always positive.
Quick note: my dear reader must forgive the awkward word choice, the poorly formatted ideas, and general verbosity that may accompany this one: I have had another long night at the office, culminating this morning with very little sleep and a feeling that one of the ties keeping my heart in my chest snapped in half somewhere around 5:00 am, so that coupled with my absense from the writing community for a few days means that I am not at my best. The point is not my mild incapacitation, but these fits that I hope people experience early and often.
The moment I guess is akin to what the drunks call a moment of clarity, but the only thing that presents itself through the fog of our mind is emotion, and typically for another human being. We all get caught up in work, exercise, trying to be cool whatever, and when these things pile up we lose the ability to feel. By feel I mean the natural affection that we have for our friends and loved ones. Have you ever been struck, perhaps over pints, perhaps on drugs (not optimal, but they happen), perhaps just in conversation, by how much someone actually means to you? If not I suggest you take a sabbacle, right now. The moment is overwhelming, not only for the force with which compassionate feeling hit our psyche, but often the guilt and shame that come with the further realization that these feelings have always been there, but were repressed, ignored or just plain rationalized away. I would argue that this moment is the most pure thing a human being can feel, for it is in that moment when the past meets the present to guide the future hopefully toward to more peaceful path.
If this happends to you, and I hope that it does, I beg you to run with it. I have been struck by the recent trend of either being extremely stoic or oscar winning weepy, and I have to ask: when was the last time you told someone you appreciated them for who they are and what they do for you? Seriously things left unsaid, especially kind and motivating things, are one of the more insidous omissions of everyday interaction. I don't mean that you should thank your boss for not giving you that weekend project (or maybe you should, I haven't really though about it), but those people that you give a damn about, damnit tell them!
It seems that our training as people teaches us that sharing your feelings is like tipping your hand. In other circles it makes you a pansy. In a truly social setting where these norms reign I would not recommend having a fit of humanity, for you will either end up beat up or disrespected, so save it for a less public moment. But how many times in your life have you heard from an interest of yours (pick your gender and preference, we're talking about romantic relationships here) "I used to have such a crush on you." Perhaps those words work their back to you, perhaps too late to act on what could be the most rewarding moment of your existance. Like the wonderful line from Abre los Ojos: "every moment is the best moment to start again" (I don't know if that was it verbatim, but the gist is there).
So what is the sum of all of this talk? To really get in touch with who you are and how you feel, not who you want to be and how you want to feel. Before we can make truly bold strokes with ourselves over the canvass that is our journey (cheesy analogy, my fault) we have to get in touch with what is going on not in our rational minds, but with our more emotive faculties. To ignore how we feel: whether scored, loving, angry, envious or ____(insert your own here) is to ignore the deeper half of our humanity, and to ignore the deeper half of our humanity is to pave the way for drug abuse, depression, a mid-life crisis or, worst of all, isolation and loneliness because you didn't realize that you were hopelessly, madly _______ until it was too late. So two morals of todays rambling: take the time to figure out how you feel about your place among the people, places and things that make up your little sphere of the world. Two, tell it and tell it proud. It is tough, and some of the things to say are extremely difficult, but if you don't do it no one else will do it for you. By the way, the feeling of a clean conscience and lack of unfinished business is like dropping the 200lb monkey that has been riding on your back. That said, it is time for a nap, and then I'm pretty sure I have some people to thank for making me who I am. Excuse me.
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