This time it's personal

I know that I started this littleblog with a couple of posts on personal responsibility. I still agree with what I said, whole heartedly in fact, so much so that today we will be talking about consequences. I'm not sure, but from what I have seen both in my life and the lives of those around me that there is a whole lot of personal responsibility shirking going on. More specifically, I have reached the point today that the amount of complaining going on, whether it is an existential crisis about where someone is in their life, whether making a pass at the wrong person, whether or not a friend is going down the wrong path...All of these are just a way to excuse responsibility for one's actions.

In fact, I have thought about this and have come to the conclusion that there is no valid reason to ever bitch about anything that does not go the way that one wants it to. I know that there is a touch of hyprocracy here, if due to no other reason than the ostensible fact that I am complaining about the amount of complaining, but I am alright with myself on this. The greater cause here is that I will hear no more complaining about something other than the loss of life or liberty.

On angle is the free will v. determinism debate. If our lives are deterministic, then really no one has a reason to bitch at all, because what we have done we have done, what we will do we will do, and nothing will be able to change the course of events. Thus, shut up. If we do have free will, then the question is begged slightly more, but not in any real way.

Granted we are unable to see all the consequences that our actions may have. Here I speak of forseeable consequences as in: if I write my cover letter this way I will not get the job, if I send this message someone will take it this way and so on. I am not thinking of things along the line of the butterfly effect. If we have lived to be old enough to read this and understand the point I argue that we have come far enough to stop for a second and think about our next move. It goes something like this: as of late I have a run of fairly bad luck: getting fired from a job for a reason that I do not see as real among other things. Now there could have been a number of factors that could have prevented this, among them the fact that any one of my fellow employees could have call and let me know I was missing the meeting that would signal my doom, my boss could have called and asked for the reason (he did leave a message, but he didn't actually call me to fire me) and so on. The bald fact is that what happened did, and even though I could have changed things or any of the aforementioned other things could have happened, but the overwhelming idea is that none of them actually did so I actually have no reason to bitch. I did, and I sit slightly unhappy that I wasted precious seconds complaining about something I could not change, rather than attempting to find a solution that would make my life and the situation better.

The last phrase in bold I cannot stress enough. For complaining, and stewing, and not moving on leads not only to pining for a better time (anyone that knows me can think of at least one example), but it also takes you from the stream of life and thus removes you from the doors that open with any change in the routine that makes up one's life.

I know that we all complain, it is a natural product of a domesticaed life and the illusion of self. My call is to fight it. If you have a problem, then you better let it out, or let it go, but there is always a resolution to be had, or at least the first steps to resolution. So if you outright can't let it go, then move along: there is already life passing you by. With that I gotta get going, this complaining is driving me insane.

If we all just suffered a little more of these...

So in my travels about Uptown minneapolis & beyond I have encountered quite a few different things than I expected in the real world, and experienced some emotions that I have never felt/know I was able to feel. In these moments, I am struck by the vulnerabilty that I inevitably feel. I'd like to call these little moments of a paticular lucidity a 'fit of humanity'. I've noticed also that these little 'fits' seem to occur most prominently when drunk, tired or hungover, but they are most pure and wonderful when they occur in a quiet moment of contemplation; that moment when I can finally stop worring about the next paycheck and the debacle at my alma mater and the forever derailing train that seems to be my chaotic existance and my bruised knuckles and so on..(Not all of these are true or even really relevant and I'll leave it to those who know me to sort through the mess). Actually, none of it matters because the point at hand is the moment when all of the external trappings of life fall away and you are left with the truth, and I have found in these moments that the answers that we become aware of are always positive.

Quick note: my dear reader must forgive the awkward word choice, the poorly formatted ideas, and general verbosity that may accompany this one: I have had another long night at the office, culminating this morning with very little sleep and a feeling that one of the ties keeping my heart in my chest snapped in half somewhere around 5:00 am, so that coupled with my absense from the writing community for a few days means that I am not at my best. The point is not my mild incapacitation, but these fits that I hope people experience early and often.

The moment I guess is akin to what the drunks call a moment of clarity, but the only thing that presents itself through the fog of our mind is emotion, and typically for another human being. We all get caught up in work, exercise, trying to be cool whatever, and when these things pile up we lose the ability to feel. By feel I mean the natural affection that we have for our friends and loved ones. Have you ever been struck, perhaps over pints, perhaps on drugs (not optimal, but they happen), perhaps just in conversation, by how much someone actually means to you? If not I suggest you take a sabbacle, right now. The moment is overwhelming, not only for the force with which compassionate feeling hit our psyche, but often the guilt and shame that come with the further realization that these feelings have always been there, but were repressed, ignored or just plain rationalized away. I would argue that this moment is the most pure thing a human being can feel, for it is in that moment when the past meets the present to guide the future hopefully toward to more peaceful path.

If this happends to you, and I hope that it does, I beg you to run with it. I have been struck by the recent trend of either being extremely stoic or oscar winning weepy, and I have to ask: when was the last time you told someone you appreciated them for who they are and what they do for you? Seriously things left unsaid, especially kind and motivating things, are one of the more insidous omissions of everyday interaction. I don't mean that you should thank your boss for not giving you that weekend project (or maybe you should, I haven't really though about it), but those people that you give a damn about, damnit tell them!

It seems that our training as people teaches us that sharing your feelings is like tipping your hand. In other circles it makes you a pansy. In a truly social setting where these norms reign I would not recommend having a fit of humanity, for you will either end up beat up or disrespected, so save it for a less public moment. But how many times in your life have you heard from an interest of yours (pick your gender and preference, we're talking about romantic relationships here) "I used to have such a crush on you." Perhaps those words work their back to you, perhaps too late to act on what could be the most rewarding moment of your existance. Like the wonderful line from Abre los Ojos: "every moment is the best moment to start again" (I don't know if that was it verbatim, but the gist is there).

So what is the sum of all of this talk? To really get in touch with who you are and how you feel, not who you want to be and how you want to feel. Before we can make truly bold strokes with ourselves over the canvass that is our journey (cheesy analogy, my fault) we have to get in touch with what is going on not in our rational minds, but with our more emotive faculties. To ignore how we feel: whether scored, loving, angry, envious or ____(insert your own here) is to ignore the deeper half of our humanity, and to ignore the deeper half of our humanity is to pave the way for drug abuse, depression, a mid-life crisis or, worst of all, isolation and loneliness because you didn't realize that you were hopelessly, madly _______ until it was too late. So two morals of todays rambling: take the time to figure out how you feel about your place among the people, places and things that make up your little sphere of the world. Two, tell it and tell it proud. It is tough, and some of the things to say are extremely difficult, but if you don't do it no one else will do it for you. By the way, the feeling of a clean conscience and lack of unfinished business is like dropping the 200lb monkey that has been riding on your back. That said, it is time for a nap, and then I'm pretty sure I have some people to thank for making me who I am. Excuse me.

How am I not myself? How am I not myself?...

Hello! For those that care, those who are bored, those who stumble here from I don't know where, salutations! I've been workin it lately, picking up some employ, and preparing for the great 24 hours that is Halloween. But enough about me (I hate self-righteous bloggers: I'm pretty sure no one cares how you had an existential crisis over your cereal, ya know?) we have more important things to attend to. More specifically, I am really interested in concept that has been floating around humanity's ethos far longer than most countries have had their borders situated as they currently do, and that is the idea that we don't exist.

In fact, nothing does. But this non-existance does not spend time with the solipsist, for the truth that non-existance is trying to point out is the idea that what we think of as ourselves, as the world around us, is merely the construct of the ego; the fact is that we never stop being the alpha and the omega of our existance, in fact we never stop being all that is around us. I know that this seems like a fairly heady claim, unless put the wrong mushrooms on your pasta, in which case you could see what I am saying, but it actually will become self evident with an example.

Take the LGBT community. These fine folks have had to put up with discrimination not based on anything but private habit and the gonder they are attracted to, fear based on absolutely nothing, and hate for being amoung other things the end of civilization, the antichrist proper, you get what I'm saying. At the same time, when I (you, he, she) get to know the GLBT community, what is rightly found is not only that they are like everyone else (that is, prone to the same passions and feelings, thoughts and concerns) but they also have another and very interesting and rewarding perspective, another good glass to look through when seeing the world.

Now what did that rambling example teach us? That the GLBT community is both awful and wonderful, demonic & saintly, kind and amoral. Ok, ok so what's going on here? How can this one group be responsible for both such good and such evil? There is a saying that intelligence is the ability to hold to diatomically opposed ideas, but I don't believe that here, someone has to be right in the whole debate. Right?

The truth is, (and this is the important part) that neither view is right according to the Buddhist. They would take umbrage with the idea that there was a group to harrangue in the first place. If you don't get it yet, you will. This group of folks is both all and nothing that their detractors and benefactors claim. In fact we all are. We all have the potential to be and do whatever we want. Like the Buddha, who was a slut & a prude, and King & a vagrant, an aesthetic and a dionesiac, we have an infinite nature. Said otherwise, we live in a unified nature in which we can perform just about any action: the choice of action, they say is in what we train our minds to pick up.

Now here comes the fun part. In the case of the Buddha, which part was the real him? The prince, the Enlightened One under his treee? Or even better, take a look at yourself: your actions are different everyday, your thoughts and feelings changing by the minute. Anyone I know who lives with at least a small disregard for what they are supposed to think and feel have both hated and loved the same person in the same day, perhaps the same hour; so which part of your actions are you? Are you a lover, a hater, ambivalent? No good answer today huh? (And for those of you that think you have an answer I think you are full of it, I really do) That's the crux of the matter: how can we have a concept of self when there is constant, permanant change occuring at all times? Said otherwise,it is that our growth, maturation and change is constant, and since we cannot freeze time (I'll leave that to kitch '80's kids shows) we can never validly say that we are talking about that person at any given time.

I don't know how well I explained it, but this concept of no self is of parmount importance to everyone, whether practicing buddhist or harried mother. When we get frustrated at others, it is for something that they always do, or for something they will forever lack. What we really need to see is that whomever we are actually ticked off at just happened to run through a form that disagreed with what we saw as ourselves at that moment. Thus our frustration is merely the instance of two egos, who shouldn't even exist intersecting unhapilly based upon what we think that we need.

What we think we need? Come on now, just think of any 3rd world country. Is the suicide rate just astronomical due to the extreme poverty and unheathly living conditions? Hell no, in fact, they seem to be about as happy as we are in the States, perhaps even more so, due to their tight family ties and consumerism free existance (This is in no way an endorsement of poverty, although if I did I wouldn't be the first to do so. The point is, you are not what you think you want; desire is the root of all suffering).

I guess the moral of the story is get off your high horse you are nothing that important. Note though, that you are also everything important. Humanity is now at a brilliant crossroads to open up and see what is actually going on: The draw of a nonmaterial, selfless-centered lifestyle is waining in the East due the heavy inroads of materialism and technology. At the same time though, such a paradigm is gaining straingth in the West, due to our disenchantment with our technology and materialism. For when we realize that technology makes "major contributions to minor needs of man" we can also become aware that we have become cogs in an out of control machine, living in a system which is fundamentally dehumanizing, turning good people into nothing more than consumers of things.

Now don't go blowing up your nearest starbucks, but try to see things from another position: if you buy that we really have no self so to speak, then where do we get off getting angry at others for doing us wrong? Or even getting angry at yourself? We can only hope that those around us are doing the best that they can, and if they are not, we hope that soon they will get back on the horse. Mission for the day: forgive someone you usually get angry or frustrated with in the situation that usually angers you. Last time I did I learned some things about myself and what actually makes me angry v. the kneejerk reaction that we often employ. Sometimes I am amazed humanity has lasted as long as it has.

WIll my melon spill its cereal?

So after the crazy weekend involving panes of glass, getting kicked out of I another establishment and spending a full early morning in the emregency room, I have to admit that there was very little running through the mind the past couple days. What there was, was drama. Viscous theater major drama, the type of stuff that is best used to lube reality TV shows and Desperate Housewives, not the kind of drama that we have all come to love & expect. After the initial shock of all that has come to be just another weekend out (I will not kiss & tell on any drama, keep your rumor mill spinning with some slander or something more creative than the truth), I realized that this drama all boiled down to the problem of trust. When I really though about it, the act of trust is much different than trusting somebody, than trusting something will happen and that this is a fairly crucial distinction that many people miss. What they also miss is the problem of not having the right kind of trust for the right situation: without this awareness, betrayal is almost certain, for how can one provide the right action for the right trust if the situation does not entail it?

So that was a really convoluted way of saying that the right trust in the right situation will help maintain balance will still providing for the real world social 'smarts' that will keep us from becoming, dum da dum, the sucker. I actually looked into the academic study of trust, and found some very interesting works, especially one by Lane and Bachmann 1998, who separate the various kinds of trust and note the fact that each type has its own formula for attribution & maintenence. One of the major flaws of the study however, is their correlation between trust and control. Said otherwise, the various types of trust tie closely with behavior control: thus to trust someone is to trust that they will behave a certain way given a particular set of circumstances. Now this may be true, but the definition removes the human element from the equation. Now I know this isn't good philosophy, but I reject that definition solely based on the fact that it is almost dehumanizing. I don't want to think that the people I trust and the people who trust me put faith in behavior control: I would rather put the ball in the court of the trusted to behave according to certain standards. This hopefully will allow for some latitude in behavior will also allowing for some of the grey area in trust: like the parent who watches their child with a hangover: the elder may trust that the child is still making reasonable decisions while still allowing that the whole truth was not put forth when the progeny claims 'just a few friends, hanging out, not doing much.' And so on.

Anyway, let us first think about the early childhood trust. This is the most all encomapassing trust that I can think of. While it seems to be unconcious, it seems that the child trusts with every fiber of their being that their parent(s) will provide the adaquate skills & training to them so that they may behave as other humans do. This trust is so pronounced that the terrible stories of abused children have a fascinating dark underbelly: many abused and isolated children are not aware that what is being done to them is anything worng; they will just naturally assume that this is part of the growing process. It is only after socialization that they realize what has happened. In this type of love there is the implicit assumption of preservation of well-being. I think that this is basis of all trust, that to trust someone is to say that you have faith that they will keep your best interest in mind while performing activities that affect you.

In the social forms of trust I believe that the notion of well being is preserved. To say that you trust somone 'to have your back' would be to say that you hope that they will keep you best interest in mind even when you have decided that your best interest is to throw a chair at the bartender that cut you off. To trust someone in a relationship is to say that you expect the other to keep your feelings as well as the institution of your relationship ahead of their own.

This form of trust reveals another interesting facet of trust, and that is the idea of intervention in interest. Often tied to love, this is notion that when faced with various outcomes, one agent will place the goals of another over their own when an option satisfactory to both isn't available. I tried to keep that jargon free, but if not it's basically putting others before yourself when you both can't win. To apply this notion to the proper aspect of trust is difficult, but in the interests of getting to work on time: example & run. If some extremely attractive nyphette appears on my doorstep and offers to pay the entire house's rent, plus some 'extras' in return for my room: I would trust that I would not find my bags out on the front porch when I got home. I know that in actual practice with 20 something males & a female this would get a little murky with hormones, and who's gotten what lately: I would still trust that I would at least get the option of splitting the romm with her, or something - the moral of the story is still the same.

This analysis actually leaves further questions, such as the connection between trust and love, the potential role of goodwill in trust, and the problem that 'can trust be commodified?'. This little post quickly got out of hand for what I had intended to do (as many philosophical ventures do). Feel free to keep the comments coming: perhaps we can turn this little cauldron of ideas into a useful poition that others may swallow to get a little closer to truth (although don't even get me started on an analysis of truth...In distraction "Look at the monkey! Look at the silly monkey!)

P.S. My post title concerned the ceral that I was eating out of half a cataloupe this morning, just to see if it will work. Turns out it does...for awhile.

Reconciling our Differences

As I drifted off to sleep last night, the last thing that lit up the space between my ears was the idea that 'the purpose of getting on in the world is to augment my ideas of the world and reconcile them with all that I see around me.' When I woke up, I realized that maybe that line would make a good line of poetry for some beret wearing coffee drinking pretentious little people...Sorry about that. All adolescent bashing aside though, it has brought up an issue that I believe most people need to take a look at: the fact that getting about in the real world necessarily requires a different way of thinking than does intellectually processing anything.

The basis for this little problem is what I like to call the black & white syndrome. This affects most folk at one time or another: 'I'm a realist', 'I'm an idealist', 'I'm a solipsist' and so on. This neat order of things is dangerous, for the world falls into two categories: things that agree with your ethos and those that don't. Besides the apparent danger, this method is the quickest way to end up alone and bitterly lonely: we all follow unique paths of experience to get where we are now, and so I would claim that no single person will fit your particular boiling down of the world. That aside, the black and white syndrome will also inevitably lead to self deception: humans are just not good enough at processing to be able to boil them down to a neat description. And when we try, it too often runs on the all or nothing mentality: we either think in all that we are (good qualities) or all that we aren't (our faults).

Before continuing, I have to admit that this little blog is still trying to figure out what it wants to be (you know, like cognitive psychology). While I would like to think that my thoughts are philosophical, reality dictates that they steal also from sociology, psychology, and of course a little bit of pop culture (don't damn me, you all do it too: do you rely, or have every relied on a movie to describe an idea? Then you run on a little pop culture, deal with it yuppie). These ideas are generally rough draft in nature, and as such are foggy outlines leading towards what I actually want to say. The bonus of this is that I hope that anyone who cares to read it will at least take away a new line of thought to think: perhaps it will clear up some confusion in your life, perhaps you will mightily disagree (in which case I would love to hear about it), perhaps you will just think I've taken too much acid in my day and that my time would be better spent arguing with the nearest deer crossing sign, whatever; the great point is to inspire directed thought, starting with my brain droppings and hopefully ending with you the reader & I having a few moments in cyber space where we are both entertained (at least, I would prefer the profundity of our interaction to take a level slightly deeper than 'Rainy days are wet', but I'll take what I can get).

So back to the black and white problem. We have to boil the world down to interact in it - without categories, some way to limit the information we receive and process, we would all probably be sitting in the corner gently rocking ourselves out of fear. But boiling it down too much will close off some very important aspects of reality (think of the PhD 'stare': these people see the world in a way you and I could not hope to, and wouldn't want to; their social skills are actually slightly worse than a dead carp in an empty bathtub). So what is the answer? Is this a problem like the velocity/position problem of the electron; i.e. do we have to give up some degree of joy in order to become more efficient at life and vice versa?

I would have to say no, for I don't see the necessary connection between the color of the world (the joy, the more emotive faculties) and the analytic qualities (you know, the stuff that tells me if I make a pass at that girl I will probably get beat up, due in no small part to the Kodiak bear that she appears to be dating). There is nothing wrong with boiling things down to their essence (this is stolen form a nice little movie called Rodger Dodger, if you haven't seen it, stop reading now, we're done as blog buddies), the troubles begin when we believe what we have boiled it down to. This is a lot like judging a building by its skeleton, or a work of art only by its abstract form. We just cannot get the whole world in that kind of grasp, barring some serious evolution we just don't have the capacity (and if there are those that do, most likely they are too overwhelmed to say it: you can boil the world down to a pretty terrible place given the right info to run with).

To avoid the analytics altogether though will lead you to another problem; one will be left with an inability to the trees for the forest. This type will believe that each moment is precious (rightly so) but will be unable to see that moment's place in the grander scheme of things. These are the overly emotional folk, the ones who will call you lecher when you come home 10 minutes late to dinner: without a larger scheme, we can only expect the worst when things go wrong.

I guess again the moral of the story is moderation. The answer is to begin to see that we need both in the right proportion to stay, healthy, savvy, and friendly. We need to critically evaluate every situation that we get into, to see if there is some underlying moral to be taken away, or how this little bit of informational experience either confirms or denies what we have previously thought: if the evidence is strong enough we have to change what we think. On the flip side is the immediate reaction, the emotional response. To use a poorly fitting analogy, it is the aesthetics of life: it is what makes the painting beautiful to look at, the leaf soothing as it falls (you know, it doesn't represent anything, about death or the life cycle or anything like that, just leaves are cool to watch fall), the crazy feeling when you fall for someone, regardless of how hard and so on. I would really like to have better go at this idea, and I will soon, but in the meanwhile, if you have spare moment, see how this affects your life, and if perhaps a restructuring (or even slight modification) of priorities might make today a little more both rewarding and appealing.

Sadly, I must bid you all adieu for today, for if someone does die in the pool today, I'd better be there; that's why I'm paid as a contingency plan. And as winter approaches, stay in touch: chances are if you are reading this you know me, so say hello, chances are I miss you too and am just too caught up in life to take my head out of the sand to say hi. I'll try, but if boredom overcomes you, ya know...

Turns out Rodger was right...

As I type this, I have the opportunity to watch a small parade of
blind folk traipsing down the street, and I wonder: what would it be
like to be robbed of the primary sense that humans possess? I mean
the whole deaf/blind debate will rage in school yards forever, but
seriously, I'd like to argue that we are primarily visual creatures,
and to miss out on little things like watching the snow (or the
leaves, the extreme sports athletes, whatever) fall to the earth so
gracefully is just such a shame. With each loss comes enormous gain
as well, and I wonder if our poorly sighted friends, might not form
more easily some deeper connections with other due to the fact that
they are not distracted with such things as beauty, or a dazzling
smile, or whatever: Would it be easier to see the meat behind the
person?

I only say this, for I have noticed that I (most people, though I hope
there are exceptions) run on rationalizations. Ostensibly, that
appears to be the way things work. Just had to get that drunk to
rationalize something that all the rest of the time I would really
like to be doing. My relationship with others fall in the same
category: whether I wake up looking forward to dealing with ‘this person’ or
not, this is based solely on what manages to surface in my head, and
while I'm getting better at choosing, it's always tough to figure out
which rationalizations hold most true.

As opposed to being sad about it though, I took heart, for a nice,
neat little argument took form in my head. It was essentially that:
if we have free will, then any choice we make is potentially just as
likely as any other, and so, with this multitude of choices, with a
little work couldn't we get to absolutely choose our thoughts, our
actions, our lives? Well absolutely, and simply I believe that that
kind of awareness arises when we can finally not beg the question "How
am I not myself?"

All Huckabees quotes aside, I find it really interesting why we (and
by we I mean everyone) make poor decisions when we are given this
freedom of choice. I find that what I think I want and what I really
want are often two different things, yet for some odd reason I always
run screaming after what I think I want. I mean it seems almost a
truism to say that one's self is the most important vessel around (I
mean, we only get one, and each one is pretty unique, too bad we
couldn't trade them in every now & again like hermit crabs), and yet
the effort spent on self evaluation and examination is more often
spent watching blind date with one's face buried in the couch (fear
not, my life is not that pathetic & boring, but I have heard of many
that fall victim to this little problem). Is it really that difficult
to take a look in your skeleton closet often enough that by 40 you
aren't in the bell tower with the sniper rifle?

I guess I have just been enamored with the idea of awareness, in
others, ourselves, and the environment around us. To steal another
quote 'We don't block things out, we let them in. I'm like a
fucking lightening rod...” When I actually get away with it:
killing the constant thought process and just perceiving, I realize
that through routine, ADD or a lack of care, it becomes very difficult
to notice the nuances of the person, situation, whatever, that we
happen to find ourselves in. Try it sometime; find yourself a nice
area, it doesn't matter if it's in a forest, on the street, in a cafe
(I really like doing this), and just sit and soak it in: don't think,
don't judge, just try to recognize the patterns and sounds that shield
themselves from thought.

oh what a hospital visit will do

My intention with this little bit o' the web is to try to put out some ideas or helpful insights that I hope I am having...However, last night was insane enough to warrant a recantation in cyberspace.


Damn! So apparantly graduation is not the squaring time that I thought it would. As it turns out, it only takes a couple housewarming parties to really get thing going: I ended up taking a roomate to the hospital at 3:30 in the morn, blasted off my face...Thanks much to the kind other more sober roomate to actually take us there; the walk would have been obsecene and dangerous, which is fantastic when you are drunk and looking for trouble, but not so fresh when you are drunk and trying to staunch the flow of your neighbors blood out of his body. Any way, this little trip (I will spare you all the drinking stories, if you are reading this you probably know me, so insert your own story here___________________) lasted until about 8 in the morn, and with work at 10:30, you can imagine what kind of day this has been.

I mean seriously, how many panes of glass need to be shattered, show many houses need we be banned from, how many trips to the freakin' hosptial does it take? Seriously, there only seem to be a few types of drinking stories: those that involve bodily injury, objects getting destroyed, ...and then I fucked her/him, I've never seen ____ do ____ that before. So where does that leave us? Boredom. That's right, it's really strange, but I guess that such chaos actually is becoming mundane. The apologies that don't actually fit, but work because all of the involved parties have been in their own brick dumb maneuvers themselves, the zombie like faces as we cannot help but mope as the pounding in our heads is eclipsed only by some monkey or another screaming for some soma, the realization that there aren't actually words for this type of thing except *$#@*^$#(*^&%, it is a routine like any other. So I guess I am forced to question just how cool it actually is to have a nightime guy that attempts to brutalize daytime guy. Everyone has their own bag, and for some it is absolutely self-induced retardation. And by the way I'm pretty sure the 'squares' hate us as much as we despise them: it all just another face of the larger die that tumbles around as our world

So I guess what having drag someone through uptown with the patient fighting the whole way through has taught me is that folks, we are only a step removed from the animals, and unleashing our inner beast too much really just leads to disaster.

I know, I know, I have just been hammering on the things that ostensibly define me currently as a person, and I think that it is necessarry. Patterns in any way, be they ruts or paradigms or whatever else need to be continually looked at, for in routine we have a word that defines it's most negative outcome, cloying. Look it up, you really should, because I think in that word is the most horrendous thing that can happen to a person: losing a pleasure for the worst reason imaginable. And this applies to ues all, and I think that this little problem need to be looked at and crushed like the rainforest.

I don't know, do what you want, but if there is one thing that I know how to do better than anyone else it looking before leaping, and think that the occasional peek will end up saving a whole lot of hassle and untold missteps. That said, I'm pretty damn tired. I'm out.

A note or two on personal responsibility

"I did it. It was my fault, and I accept what I have done." I woke up this morning and realized that it has been awhile since I heard those words spill forth from anyone's mouth, and I was left feeling kinda appalled. I mean the idea of passing the buck, while uniquely American, is killing interpersonal relationship in our day to day lives. I'm a fairly optimistic kid, but if I cannot trust my neighbor to be responsible for his/her actions than I cannot really trust them.

I'm too lazy right now to make the right sort of moves to cache this out (it's my blog damn it, I'll do what I want), but to think about for yourself I would start with responsibilty and use it as a necessarry component for trust, for then you can make the claim that those who are most adept at passing the buck are in some very important ways liars, if not to others, then of course to themselves (this is called rationalization, you know, that thing you use when you accept a drink from that increasingly attractive friend who 2 hours ago was not only unappealing, but to you a totally worthless human being -- you drinkers know what I'm talking about). And I don't know, I think that we should be able to expect those around us to at least be aware enough to know themselves enough to know their role in both their lives and ours, and admit when they are negatively impacting either or both.

As harsh as this sounds, well, it is. There is a limit to acceptance, and I used to be very good at it. So good in fact that I managed to accept the fact that I was doing 8-balls of blow until noon the next day all while doing nothing different than I had been doing without it. I accepted certain people (who shall remain nameless, though I hope you know who you are) on the basis of my visceral reaction to them; these things include physical attraction, compatible drug use, a major similar to but not quite mine (you know, the geek at heart needs a fix too) and so on. This is not to say that I abhor my existance, for I have found many greatly rewarding things along the way: friends, experiences, places. What I will say is that this has been more of a function of dumb luck than anything else: when you burn the candle at both ends of course you will find at least enough of what you neeed in order to keep going.

I guess what I mean from all this is that you, I, he, it over there, we are not a collection of activites and Esquire (or Vanity Fair) articles, are not the poor relationship with your father, are not the time you woke up in ditch next to someone, the time you did the whole vial & put yourself into a K-hole: these are just things, they are not you. Take some fucking responsibility to find out who you are, whether you like what you find or not, and behave according to that: I would argue that behaving otherwise is just a front, and when the truth of your existance slaps you in the face, it will do so with much more force 5 years from now than right now.

A further word on self destruction

I ended up with a nice comment on the last post, and as it will sit below this one I will spare the injustice of the wasted moments recanting for those who don't care, the morle of this story is that I didn't do an adaquate job of the rightful place of self-destruction for all those who careen out of control in any facet of their lives (& I dare the person who doesn't fall into this category).

To make a long story short, I claim that self-destruction is an ubiquitous feature in humanity: and that this actually the most prevallent way that folks seek to "have a good time" or enjoy themselves. It is our flaws that we seem to hold precious, as a maker of how special we are, that we have this or that misery: thus whether it be that special hurt of a door shut & locked, the glory of being able to take down a pony keg of whisky before your heart stops, when we look inside what we see is pain, a hole in our lives -- that is our driving motivation.

Think of an even better case: some who sees the world based on their successes rather than their failures. This type of person is running from sort of misery: be that who they were, or what they really need (ya know that 6th 0 in the annual salary you traded for you vaction; was that really the best call?). The fact is that except for a small percentage of the population who are balanced enough to no longer need, we are all running from something, and this cowardice is as fundamental as it get and is in itself self-destructive: this way of living just festers many various pathos' with colorful names and terrible consequences, least of which (I imagine at least) would be the midlife crisis.

All the while I admit that anyone with enough time and gumption can point up some inconsistances in my logic, and I wil grant anyone begging the question that point: being tired and stoned is decidedly not the best way to put my brain droppings into a neat order. The upshot of all this self destruction business, especially when applied to substance, is that the well balanced person, I would argue, has no need for illicit substance. I am not claiming that 'drug' as a concept is a bad thing: we all need to walk our own mile. To truly understand the almost uncountable facets of life means not being distracted by anything other than the current moment. This applies to 'this is great, but a joint would make it better', or 'I'm not a coke head, I only do a few lines a day/week'. Really examine the hidden implications of such words: to admit that life alone isn't enough means that you really aren't ready to see what is actually going on, or are unable to cope. While these problems can be blamed on any number of things, all I was doing was attempting to make a necessarry and existential claim to the self-destructive mode in the human psyche.

So don't take this as a rag on the various altering substances that have played such a large role in my existence, I just want to unearth what I think with a little work can come out to be more true than most people realize. Yes, if you need to I have to endorse seeing the world in as many ways as people are able, but the caution is this: realizing the moment that drugs stop being for the experience and become mostly for the fix is something that is almost exclusively found in hindsight.

The trick to the whole caboodle is self-awareness and introspection: these are endeavorus that are not rational, that is you cannot think about who you are and what you want, it is something you have to see; doing so will reveal some very interesting traits that are habits rather than actual personality features, and that every now and again the sober perspective has as much to say about what is going on, potentially more when we include the full functioning of our faculties, than the inebriated one. Just give it a shot, if you don't like it, I'd love to hear about it.

do you even want to learn?

It seems that we are all a little self-destructive inside. From abusive relationships to rampant drug addiction, to mistreatment of the body & mind, I've as of late become sure that we are all trying to kill ourselves. Some are more forthcoming about it than others (the cutters tend to present their habit a little better than the alcoholics), but in everyone I know and have ever met it is self destruction that is the thread that runs between all people: that's right, you have more in common with the guy next to you than you think.

So why? If one really stops to think, it is just as easy to treat ourselves kindly as it is to be ruinous, so then wtf? I've been attempting to get to the root of all of this trouble, and I think it stems from one of three things (these aren't be all & catch all, but they are the major categories that folks partake in when deciding that their body needs to die just a little more: habit, weakness & social disfunction. Trouble is, recognition and resolution do not go hand in hand: in fact, their only connection seems to be that they sit as the alpha and omega pieces of the spectrum of getting out our suicidal tendencies.

A quick note. Before you folks go screaming that I have lost my mind, sit for minute. There are almost infinte ways with thich to define ourselves: our successes, our interests, our passions. These are not the common traits that we ascribe to others and ourselves however. Think of the people you know: other than gross generalizations ('I just love this gal', 'He's so great' and so on) the way that most folk see is the vision of what is wrong ('He's a lecher', 'She's a no-talent hack slut', 'I'm no good' and so forth). The trouble with seeing what is wrong is that it creates a void where there was not one before. That's right, the same thing that makes you go out and buy a stupid looking pair of cargo pants is the same reason you just snorted whatever straight to your brain. Blame who you want, it's just the state of affairs. But this belies the need to pull our heads out of our collective asses and take a look.

Maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps the world is actually a miserable place, and the fact is we should all be preparing to ruin ourselves in the name of having a 'good time' (which I often think is only so because we are either too hammered to feel anything or we give our hazy memories the benefit of the doubt), getting out of the shitty cycle of learning and experience in the world around us.

It boils down somewhat to this: nature has provided us everything we need, and culture has taught us to want everything, and everything we want in culture and do not get becomes a need. And I bite my thumb to that. Take a moment to stop and smell the roses without a joint in hand, see that dj without E in your head, drilling holes in what used to be grey matter, just try it. And if you decide that you prefer to medicate one of the three categories of suicidal tendencies, to take the addicted body over the potentially transcendant mind be my guest. At least you have something to think about.

My wild foray into the web

So, today begins an illustrious blogspot in which I am supposed to put my cherished self deep into the internet. I have to wonder if wedged comfortably between the newest, most filthy porn site ever created and something owned by google, is the inevitable (or potentially preferred) home of my little blog.

Lately, I've been wondering about the nature of infinity, yea? The point of infinity is that, amoung other things, we cannnot wrap our mind around it (I mean, can you actually imagine the omega #? If you can I want what you smoke). I used to use the totality of our universe, and why not: scattered amid the empty space are truly countless galaxies, quasars & pulsars (which incidentally keep such perfect time that when first discovered researchers thought they were and alien beacon for navigation). Now I use a different concept for infinity: the internet.

In all seriousness the internet, in a mere 20 years, has become so vast that I use it as infinity. It is almost more apt than the more static universe allusion, for there really is anything that anyone might want (Philosophy majors: I understand that dealing with all or any modifiers is very dangerous, but when dealing with the infinitely large I willing to take that step). I mean, I googled asdffghjkl the other day & returned 113 sites. Touche internet. "the sickest, raunchiest porn ever made" returned 404. I mean, I dare not open any of those pages out of fear that I will immediately think that I am actually a Victorian stuck in a liberal's body.

So my call to you today: google something completely random: not something you want to know, but something you didn't even know you wanted to, and you'll get a touch of what I mean. A bientot my interested friends, and I look forward to future rants that may slip foth from this half mental brain of mine. My parting words of wisdom: do something random to someone today; it only takes a moment, but you have given your unwitting victim a story for the rest of thier week.