specious communication

Sound bites and talking heads, quips and quotations, synopses and summaries, small talk and casual exchanges:  as of late I’ve been noticed the superb lack of real, full communication that our society seems to tell us is ok.  Sitting at work yesterday, I began wondering about the ways we converse, be it via email, snail mail, over the phone, face to face, and the ways that most of those aren’t conducive to getting to know someone, let alone talk about something that actually captures reality.

Said another way, I’ve noticed how little people actually listen to each other, in the sense that the listener actually tries to take in the point of what the speaker is trying to convey.  And to all those out there who like to think they are fantastic listeners, I invite you to remember the last time you empathized with someone.  Not in Hollywood sense, or the “I’ve been there” scenario; what I mean is talking with someone while assuming that my conversant is an intelligent, right individual.  

By intelligent, right individual, I mean a person whom we seek to understand.  Unless my approximation is off, in most conversation we still cling to the notion that our opinions are the ones that are actually backed in reason, while the opinions of others are in some way flawed, or misguided, or some other expression of poor design.  To get an idea of what I mean, take the first person you know that comes to mind when you think of “weird.”  Chances are this person just makes no sense, the type where you wonder if they aren’t perhaps dropped from the latest passing alien orbiter.  If the imagination doesn’t quite work, then take a good friend, or better yet, check yourself out.  That done, really try to think about what you know of them, really:  not the snap decisions or rumor or hearsay,   or what you think you think:  what do you really know of this person?  Try to understand them on their terms.

I only bring this up because I celebrated the Chinese New Year yesterday.  See in the real word, the Chinese New Year started in January, but in the corporate universe, we celebrate on a lazy Thursday to coincide with a birthday and training class “graduation” (seriously, Office Space has leaped from top 10 to top 3 as of late).  Point is, I had to mingle with my co-workers.  

Normally, I spend my days buried in a book, with breaks to talk to people on the phone.  I don’t get to chat much with my co-workers, except talk about that local sports team and other smallish chatter (although the weather remains untouched, probably because most of us stare out at the same windows with the same view; “heard its going to snow” doesn’t really matter when you can look out 8 ft windows to see for yourself).  Thursday though, we had to find someone we didn’t know, and learn about them.  So I learned that one co-worker never stops thinking about $$, ever.  She never talks to anyone, and what she told me is that when she gets home from work she goes to her computer to figure out how to make more.  I did not know this.  But what I also didn’t know, and started to become aware of, was that this was a woman who has made money her one true friend, and the thing was, she didn’t seem at all unhappy about that.  And while I would never really befriend this woman, it really has shed a whole new light on the reason why she never speaks to anyone except the customers who she beligerizes all day long.  She isn’t strange:  based upon the priorities she has her behavior is perfectly natural.  

Or another example.  I have a co-worker who is typically very quiet.  In fact, the longest conversation we have had consisted of “I heard there’s an enzyme in cheese which relaxes the mind” (I haven’t found if that is true, but in related news, milk has Vitamin D, which is also found with exposure to sunlight – go dairy).  What I found out when I finally got a real paragraph in was that she is a world traveler who actually mentors Romanian orphans.  Romanian orphans?!  No one expects Romanian orphans!

What I mean in all of this is the idea that perhaps we don’t know as much about what is going on as we would like to think.  This applies as much to misunderstandings and disagreements with our closest loved ones as it does with the examples above.  More than the words that come out of our mouths, it is the priorities behind them that carry the real meaning.  Next time ask yourself the why, as opposed to getting caught up in the what.  Because the minute you think you know what is going on, it will be proven abundantly clear to you that you don’t.

Note:  I’ve found that writing is in no way like riding a bike.  It only takes a week to really take the edge off the mind.  Now I sit, staring at the words that I have just written, and wonder if what I write will have any real relation to what I was trying to convey.  Regardless, I intend to better use language in the next couple posts, because we all have better things to do than wade our way through poorly expressed ideas.  And to everyone born in the Year of the Dog look out:  this year’s going to be wild!