In my travels around the abstract realm of humanity I have found that for every happy, fullfilled individual I meet I find 3 or more people that just wander with a glazed look in their eye and conversation which screams "I am so lonely!" Now I wondered at this, for most of this folk fall under the catergory of those with acceptable limits of neurosies, reasonable life interests and passions, and a vocabulary suitable for fullfilling communication with other humanoids. So then, what is this mystical thing that separates these lonely individuals from those who have all the human interaction they need/desire? I would say that the reasons fall under two headings: the desire for sociability and the difference between connection and connecting.
So, sociability. Here defined as the desire and need a particular sentient agent has to be in the company of other people (hopefully also sentient, but some people have very low standards: to them I say get a dog a talk to it). Some people honestly just have no desire to communicate much with others: Kant & many philosophers, J.D Salinger, Thomas Pynchon, the list goes on and on. Although I would imagine that every now again they wished to be in company, I would be more ready to believe that they prefered the santity of their thoughts over dealing with other. Thus I am led to believe that they were perfectly happy doing what it is they did best. Said another way, they never had the dead gleam which I am taking a look at, for there was just no need.
On the other face of the sociability coin lay the true social butterflies. These are the folk who just want to be friends with everybody. That is, if there is a person out there worth knowing, for any reason at all, then they must be known to. Although the motives of the social butterflies are fairly opaque, often to the butterfly his/herself (in the future called the hypersocial), the idea is there that they are the true opposite of the truly solitary (we will henceforth call them hyposocial: they just don't need the interaction).
Both of these extremes are unbalanced, and I would say fairly unhealthy, but the hyposocial may get away with their neurosy if they truly don't require other people to balance their thoughts and interactions & the hypersocial may truly be ok if and only if they are truly and thoroughly selfless, altruistic in every action.
Both of these folk exist only in theory to my knowledge, but the point to be taken away is that in attempting to escape being lonely I merely wish to note that some people require more atttention than others. Requireing attention here is not a bad thing, per se; in the best case I mean to say that these are just people who are not operating at their peak without the inspriation to be drawn from the company of others. Most of us even oscillate from day to day, and I will be my own social guinea pig here: as anyone who knows me probably also knows I am a fairly gregarious individual, but in a particularly introverted mood you are just as likely to get a miserable remark than any hint of charisma. On the days when outgoing reigns my day just isn't complete without a "rewarding" conversation/interaction with another person (sometimes people). However, when my pizzazz about equals that of a chair, most likely I am just as happy spending the day alone.
Now the trouble comes when I get too much or too little depending upon my day. Too much social interaction and I get frustrated and can come away with the conclusion that people just don't know when to quit, which will lead to a further withdrawl from others. This is a big deal when I get back to my outgoing self but find contemporaries which want nothing to do with such a (formerly) hyposocial person such as myself. The converse is also true. Now if I am felling kinda hypersocial and just don't find enough like minded folk, the easy answer would be to believe that I jsut don't have enough friends, no one understands me etc. So when our sociability desire and our actual social interaction are out of whack, we get the lack of joy that I attempt to impart so heavily in this little blog (aka, the emptyness sadness, and listlessness that we all feel in varying degress and with varying frequencies).
And that's just one horn of the dilema. The other problem comes from another issue, the connection/connecting distinction. Connection I'll define as a "soul to soul moment." These are those moments in which the worries of the world just seem to fall away in the company of another person: when we feel healthy and fullfilled merely being with another. It is in these moments when we fall in love with others, become inspired by them, have those profound times that create the people and experiences that we will remember in our final moments when our life flashes before our eyes. Connecting is the ways in which we connect with others. These avenues of connection are more difficult to define, for they differ from person to person , but basically they are the actions and means by which we feel understood by another, which lead to the connection that lead to our actualization as people.
Problem is, most people are acutely aware of the moments of connection, but are completely lost when it comes to learning how to follow and become aware of the patterns of connecting. Thus in most people we end up in a stuck between two very unhappy extremes: the moments of sheer joy in connection and the misery of not being able to attain those moments frequently enough, not be able to recreate the ways of connecting (the amount of sadness and misery is a function of not only sociability but of the priority and position that connection has in our ontology).
The problem of connecting is furthered by the troubling fact life keeps rolling on: the patterns that we create to achieve connection will and must change over time, or else we will inevitably end up cloying our favorite activities (look up the definition of cloying, it is a fascinating word). Thus the things that made us happy in the past will not necessarilly make us happy at any point in the future.
So what is the solution? How are we to keep up with an ever evolving creature that is the root of our social happiness that will not sit still long enough to provide a blueprint for this fullfilled life that we have all (hopefully) felt and look to stay in permanantly? Well, this is where my analysis must end, for we are all traveling a different path, but perhaps a thought or two to bide the time until of of us becomes enlightened, I'd imagine then there would at least be a helpful parable or two.
In fact, as a starting point, I'm going to share the 4 Agreements, which will not solve the problem, but will render it moot enough until there is one amoung us who can spread the good word. I would recommend picking up the 4 Agreements even if you aren't the spiritual sort: the perscriptions for behavior were created by ancient South American scientists, and they are just a good way to bop about the earthly sphere.
1. Be impeccable with Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others (the Buddhists would call this spreading compassion). Use the power of your word in the direction of truth & love.
2. Don't Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you (This is actually quite intuitive. The last friend/parent/whatever you got into a scuffle with, was it totally something they did, or was their action more the last straw in your already bad day, or something that would be called "the last thing you nedded to happen"). What others say & do is a projection of their own reality. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, (When combined with Agreement 1, we can find the real meaning of this Agreement & avoid shutting out the helpful opinions and actions of others, assuming we are sure they are acting in good faith and in our best interests) you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don't Make Assumptions: (This one is huge, probably the most important and profound of the 4 if taken to heart. Most people are actually kind-hearted, and we can avoid some of the problems I listed above by seeing what is actually going on v. what we think is going on. See the last couple posts). Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness & drama.
4. Always do your Best: (This is the realist clause. We will not be perfect, for we are human and will all make mistakes, but setting perfectionist goals is the most diret route to feeling like a failure) Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.
So give them a go, let me know what you think. I gotta go, I have a date with music. Good luck.
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